A Match › First message tips: how to start a conversation
First message tips: how to start a conversation
Most first messages are "hi" or "hey", and most go unanswered. A message that shows you read the profile is far more likely to get a reply.
Read the profile first
The best opener comes from something the other person has written or shown. Look for a hobby, a place, a photo or a prompt answer. Mention it and ask a related question.
Instead of "Hi, how are you?", try: "That's a great photo from the Lake District. Which walk was that?" It is easy to answer, and it shows interest.
Keep it short and open
- Two or three sentences is enough.
- End with an open question, not a yes or no one.
- Be curious, not clever. Nobody needs a perfect joke.
Examples that work in general
- "You said you're learning Spanish. What made you start?"
- "I see you're a Blackburn Rovers fan. Brave. How is the season going?"
- "Your dog looks like trouble. What's their name?"
What to avoid
- Comments only on looks. They are common and tend to be ignored.
- Copy-and-paste lines. People can tell.
- Sexual or pushy messages. They will get you blocked and may break the service's rules.
- Early personal questions about money, home address or whether someone lives alone.
- Long messages that read like a CV.
Keeping the conversation going
Respond to what they say, share something back and ask a follow-up. Aim for a back-and-forth, not an interview. If the replies dry up after a day or two, it is fine to send one friendly nudge. After that, move on.
When to suggest meeting
There is no perfect time, but after a week or two of good chat, or one video call, is common. A relaxed suggestion works: "I've enjoyed chatting. Would you like to grab a coffee on Saturday?" Choose a public place, as set out in our online dating safety guide, and see first date ideas for what to suggest.
Accepting no
If someone does not reply, or says they are not interested, that is the answer. Do not message again, and do not take it personally. Most of dating is not being a match, and that is normal.
Watch for scam patterns
If a new match professes love quickly, wants to move to another app at once, or talks about money, be careful. Read about romance scams.
Replying to a message you receive
When someone writes to you, answer their question first, then add something about yourself and ask one back. Short, warm replies keep a chat moving better than long essays or one-word answers. If you are not interested, a polite "thanks, but I don't think we're a match" is kinder than ignoring them, though you are never obliged to reply to messages that are rude or pushy. Block and report anyone who is abusive.
A worked example
Their profile mentions: hiking in the Peak District and baking.
Weak opener: "Hey, how's your day?"
Better opener: "Peak District is my favourite too. Have you done Mam Tor at sunrise? And what's the best thing you've baked lately?"
The second shows you read their profile, asks two easy questions and invites a friendly reply. Try it with your own matches.
Frequently asked questions
Is it okay to message first?
Yes. Many people appreciate it, and most apps let anyone start the conversation after a match.
How long should I wait for a reply?
People are busy. A day or two is normal. One polite nudge is fine, then let it go.
What if I get no replies?
Try improving your photos and bio first, then try more specific openers. Not every message will get a reply and that is normal.